Episode 9: Situational Joy

You are listening to the Overcome Pornography for Good podcast episode 9, Situational Joy.

Welcome to the Overcome Pornography For Good podcast where we take a research-based, trauma informed and results focused approach to quitting porn. This approach has been revolutionary and changed thousands and thousands of lives. I’m your host, Sara Brewer.

Hey everyone, welcome to the podcast this week. This week is really fun for me. So when this podcast is released, I am going to be in Mexico. I'm going on a trip with YWE, that’s Y-W-E Youth Trips. So my brother in law actually owns this company where he takes out youth and YSA groups to do really cool adventures and backpacking adventures. And it's all based on God and surrounding God.

And it's not like a lot of devotionals or talks. But every morning you get together and you spend some time alone studying and praying. And then every night you typically get together and you talk about how you saw God that day. And you share experiences and it's really, really cool.

I've been on one other one. Before my second baby was born, I went backpacking with him and a youth group in Zions, and oh my gosh, it was such a cool experience.

So if any of you are listening to this and are youth under 18 and want an awesome trip this year, especially with COVID. You know how COVID has canceled all stuff for this summer as well. He's still doing backpacking trips, and they're so cool. And a lot of them are in Utah, some of them are international. If you’re a YSA you can also go and sign up, he has some YSA trips.

So that's the one I'm going on this next week is a YSA trip to Chiapas, Mexico. We're going to camp under waterfalls, and go see all the ruins, and explore the cities. And I’m just so, so freaking excited.

So when you hear this podcast, or at least when this podcast is released, you might hear it later. But when this podcast is released that's where I'm going to be and I can't freaking wait. Oh my gosh.

So again, if you wanted to go check him out and go see what trips he has available for you this summer, it's YWE, Y-W-E, Youth wilderness Experiences is what it stands for. You can just Google that or you can find him on Instagram. If you look up YWE official he has a bunch of cool videos and pictures from his trips. And I'm telling you, they are just the coolest trips ever. They're so fun. And so adventurous.

Like I loved EFY growing up. I loved it; I wouldn't change it for anything. But it was also a lot of sitting around and going to classes, and just staying in one area. And this is so cool. Because you're backpacking and you're exploring, and you're getting in tune with God and building your relationship with God with like-minded people at the same time. It's so fun.

So let's get into it today. Before we get into the actual content though, I wanted to read a review that I received on my podcast. It's titled hope, and here's what the review says. It says, “I can't describe the relief I felt as I worked with Sara as my coach. She helped me unpack all of my preconceived notions and false beliefs about pornography.

I was used to feeling shame and believed I'd have to deal with this the rest of my life. I was tired. I'm not perfect, but I have the tools I need to overcome pornography. And not only overcome pornography, but to be a better person and to self-manage my life in a more healthy and positive way. Listen to her free content but consider getting coached. It's worth the price tenfold more.”

I love this. Thank you to my client who left that review. I had a post on my Instagram, someone messaged me and said, “Hey, I really love your content. My husband and I love it and we're getting so much out of it. But do you have any ideas for us to share this? Because we don't really want to go post about it on our personal accounts.”

Which I totally get. And I knew that that was probably going to happen. I knew that my content wasn't going to be shared publicly most of the time, but it was going to be shared individually. So you know of someone who's struggling and you share it with them or, or you share it with your bishop.

And so what I said to them was, “Hey, what would really help is if you left a review on my podcast. I get that you don't want to go and share it publicly, but you can leave a review on my podcast and it can be pretty anonymous.”

And so after I said that my client came in left me this review on my podcast. And I love it. And I want to offer to you if you're looking for some help to take this work to the next level. I try to give you as much as I possibly can in my free content. And I hope you're seeing the fruits of that and the results of that.

But if you're ready to take it to the next level and really dive into it and work with me one on one and get some coaching, that is a really life changing experience. And you can do that, my program is open right now. So you can just go check out all the details on my website under the work with me page.

And if you're feeling that call to get a little bit deeper in this work and really quit porn and apply all the things that I'm teaching you here, I want you to go and check that out.

Now really quickly, it's only for people who are over 18. So if you're under 18, I'm sorry, I don't have a program for you yet. Maybe in the future. Hopefully in the future I'll have some under 18 programs.

But if you want some extra help, if you're looking for a coach, if you've talked to your parents, and they want to help you get a little bit of extra support, feel free to reach out to me because I have some other referrals and some people and some resources that I can send you if you're under 18.

All right, so with that, let's get into it. Today, we're going to talk about situational joy. And I've known this concept for a long time. And I heard this specific phrase, situational joy, from one of my coaches this last week, and I loved it. And so I want to talk about what situational joy is and how it really messes up our ability to quit porn.

So, what situational joy is, is it is waiting to feel good until your situation is ideal. So it's waiting to feel joy until your situation is ideal. So for example, I will not feel joy until X, Y, Z happens. I will not feel joy, until I have this much money. I will not feel joy until I lose this way. I will not feel joy until my finals are over. I will not feel joy until I get this promotion.

And usually it doesn't come up as really like rebellious. It's more just like, “I'm not going to let myself feel joy. I can't feel joy until this happens. I can't feel joy until it goes away. I can't feel joy until I get that promotion.” So many of us are used to living our lives this way. And I talk to my clients all the time about this.

How many of you have said, “Okay, I'll finally be happy once I figure out my major.” And then you figure out your major and you're not happy. So you're like, “Oh, I'll be happy once I graduate.” And then you graduate and you're not happy because you're like, “I'll be happy once I find a job.” And then you get a job and you're like, “Wait, actually, I'll be happy once I get married.” And then you get married you’re like, “Actually, I'll be happy once I get a house.” And then I'll be happy once I have a kid.

It can just go and go and go and go forever. And that's why so many of us are living unfulfilled lives because we're living this situational joy. Where we're not allowing ourselves to feel joy until we hit a certain point in our life. So we can do this with all these life events. And then we also do it when we're quitting habits.

Especially a pornography habit, I'll be happy once I quit this port. I'll feel good about myself once I quit this porn. I can't be happy, proud, confident until I quit this porn. And this is really important to notice for a couple of reasons.

So, reason number one is we have to first just recognize that quitting porn doesn't cause joy. Quitting porn doesn't cause confidence. Quitting porn doesn't cause all these emotions you're waiting to feel until you quit. Those emotions, that joy comes from your thoughts. We know that this is true, because there are a lot of people who are viewing porn and feel joy, and feel confident, and feel happy.

And you can quit the porn and still not feel happy if you're thinking thoughts like, “I shouldn't have even done that in the first place.” And “What's wrong with me. And now I'm finally back to where I should be and now, I’ve got to get even better.” So that's really, really important to notice. First off, quitting porn doesn't cause those emotions. It does not make you happier.

And I know some of you are probably like, “What? Blasphemy!” And that's okay. And a lot of people, why you might be feeling that way is because you might be mistaking this process, you might be thinking, “Okay, we either have to feel bad and quit, or we feel good and continue to justify.” We think that there's only two options, which is feeling bad so that we’ll quit. Or feeling really good and continuing to do it.

But what I want to offer to you is that it's not that way at all. And actually feeling bad does not help you quit. Now, there's guilt and I think guilt is good and healthy. And what guilt is, is it comes in and it says, “Hey, your actions aren't quite aligning with your values.” And that's really good, right? If we didn't have guilt, we wouldn't make choices that align with our values.

But when guilt perpetuates into just feeling bad and feeling shame, that's when it really becomes a problem. And so again, it's not either we feel bad so we quit or we feel good and we just continue to justify. It's not that way at all.

So actually, when we feel bad, we are more likely to continue in our porn habit. When we feel good, we are more likely to quit. Think about it. When you feel bad, when you feel bad about yourself, when you feel like you can't be happy until you quit what are you most likely to do? This is what I see all the time. Then these thoughts come up, “Well, I suck already so I'm just going to keep looking at it. I'm not happy anyway, so I might as well just get a little bit of joy in porn.”

Whereas when you feel good, you're way more likely to quit. And think about it, when you feel good what actions do you want to take? When you feel good you want to take actions that fit that feeling. And so when you feel good, when you feel confident, if you have an urge to view pornography and you're feeling confident, you're going to be like, “I know exactly what to do. And I'm good enough, and I'm happy. And I don't need this to make me happier.”

So how we feel is really important because how we feel drives our actions. And I promise you, the better that you feel, the better actions you will take. After my mission I heard someone say- Well, I was hanging out with an old member that I had met on my mission.

And I was complaining about something that someone was doing and I was complaining about how I know that they just feel bad. And they're doing these mean things because they feel bad about themselves. And she said to me, she said, “Yeah, when people feel crappy, they do crappy things.”

Sorry, if you don't like the word crappy. I know some people don't like that word. But that's very true, is that when people feel crappy, they do crappy things.

And it's the same with you. If you are feeling crappy, you will do crappy things. And so, situational joy, this idea I can't be happy until I quit, that keeps us from being able to quit. Like I have to feel bad until I quit,
that keeps us from being able to quit.

Which brings me to point two. So in order to quit porn, you need to feel what you would allow yourself to feel if you already had quit. All right, so imagine you've quit pornography. Imagine your situation is ideal. Imagine you don't have urges for it anymore. What would you allow yourself to feel and think about yourself?

You’d probably be feeling things like confidence like we talked about. You’d probably be thinking stuff like, “Wow, I am awesome. I'm so proud of myself. Look at what I did.” You’d probably feel worthy.

And so the key to quitting porn, now hear me with this, this is the key to reaching any goal. Not just quitting a habit or quitting porn. But the key to quitting porn is to feel what you would allow yourself to feel if you had already had that result. If you already had that ideal situation in your life.

So if you're thinking about what you would feel when you would quit porn, maybe you'd feel proud and worthy. So what you do is you work on feeling proud and worthy right now, even though you haven't completely quit porn yet. And once you do that, once you're feeling proud and worthy, what actions are you going to take?

Now I promise you, your actions are not going to be to go seek out porn, and to go buffer with porn, and to view porn from like, “Oh, I just stink anyways.” No, your actions from feeling proud and worthy is going to be feeling those emotions when they come up. And doing the work when you do have urges to view pornography.

And even if you do mess up, you're not going to fall into these spirals of viewing it for the next five days. I know a lot of you do that. No, you're going to look at it and be like, “I am still worthy and I'm proud of myself because I'm getting back on the horse. Let's see what happened. What went well, what do I need to change?” And next time is even better.

So just to recap, situational joy, this idea that we can't be happy until we have a perfect situation, first off is a lie. Because joy does not come from circumstances and situations. They come from your thoughts. And I really, really know that this is true and I just had an experience this last month where I hit a goal in my business.

I hit an income goal that I had been looking forward to, and practicing believing, and trying really, really hard for a long time to hit. And I hit it. And I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy because I wasn't- I mean, I thought even though I knew technically I wouldn't be happier once I hit that goal. I thought maybe I would. And I hit it.

And I was talking to my husband about it and I was talking to him about how I was just stressed and how I was looking forward to hitting the next thing. And how all these different thoughts that came up and he's like, “You are not even taking time to celebrate what you've done and what you've hit.” And it just really reminded me and taught me that joy does not come from situations. Even the big situations that we think we're going to feel joy from.

Listen, some of you are going to quit porn. And if you're not practicing feeling good before you do that, you're going to quit it and then you're going to go right back to it. Because you haven't practiced feeling worthy, and feeling proud, and feeling these emotions of someone who's done with porn.

I can't remember if it was President Monson, or maybe it was president Hinckley, who said joy in any circumstance- I think that's President Monson. Where he talks about, we can feel joy in any circumstance. Honestly, it's probably every single prophet that's talked about this.

But we can feel joy in any circumstance, even joy in the process of quitting porn. And I know that might sound funny for you, but listen, the way to quit porn is to feel joy, and worthiness, and pride. Pride in the sense of I'm proud of myself, not pride in the sense of I'm better than everyone.

But to feel these emotions, even in the midst of trying to quit. That's how you quit porn. All right, so let's question this situational joy. Anytime that you're feeling, “As soon as I quit porn, then I'll be able to feel happy with myself.” I want you to stop, question that, and practice feeling happy with yourself and joy, right now.

And you can do that. You can do that with thoughts like, “I'm so proud of myself for showing up here. I am a really resilient person. I've done a lot of hard things in my life. I can do this. I love all the things that this habit is teaching me. I love all the things that I'm learning as I'm learning how to quit porn.”

And this doesn't mean it's not going to be hard. Yeah, quitting porn is hard. But it's supposed to be. If you're going to the gym, I want you to imagine going to the gym and trying to build muscle. And the whole time you're trying to build muscle you're just hating yourself. You’re like, “I'll finally be happy with myself once I can bench 300 pounds.” Or whatever, right? That would be miserable. And none of us would stay at the gym, we would just give up.

Instead you go and you're like, “Yes, this hurts, but it feels so good.” And you leave the gym and you're like, “Yes, I benched 150 pounds today.” And you wouldn't hate yourself because you weren't at 300 yet.

So we want to find joy in the process. Not joy in the end result. Not joy that we think is going to make us happy. But joy in the process. Just like you might find joy in the process of learning how to pump weights or joy in the process of learning how to run a marathon, or anything else came.

All right you guys, have a great week. Go and feel some joy. Go and allow yourself to feel good about yourself. And I promise, I know this might feel counterintuitive, I promise you the better you feel about yourself, the more progress you will make towards your goals.

So priority is feeling good about yourself and everything else will follow. And I feel like I need to do a separate podcast episode on this. But this is different than this pride that we're taught to avoid. Pride that is I'm better than everyone else. Honestly, when people are in pride, they don't feel good about themselves and they're trying to prove that they're good.

When you are feeling good about yourself you don't need to justify your actions. When you're feeling good about yourself you say, “Yeah, that didn't align with my values and I'm going to try this other thing in order to quit. And I don't need to lie about it and to say that it's fine and to justify it in order to feel good about myself because I feel good about myself right now. Right here, even in this weakness.” Okay. All right, guys, have a great week.

If you’re ready to apply what you’re hearing in this podcast and finally overcome pornography for good, I’d love to be your coach. I’ve created a virtual program with the intent to give you everything that you need to quit. Once you join, you have lifetime access to the content and lifetime access to individual support through coaching calls and coaching boards. For more information check out sarabrewer.com/workwithme.